The Hedgerow

I support building a wall.  Plant it along a border or a property line.  Something dense and high to keep illegals out and the right kind of citizens in.  It doesn’t have to be terribly thick.  Just enough to keep the winds of change from reaping your fields of plenty, yet it should be stout and strong so the residents feel secure and at peace.

I also recommend getting someone else to pay for it.  Try another government institution or an organization that cares and caters to the needs of all the other organisms on earth: the silent majority.  They’ll help you design, build, pay for, and maintain the wall.  A sweet deal.  Mutual benefit and you don’t have to worry about a thing.  You support me and I’ll line the pockets of your land.

Sounds to good to be true?  Is this just another fictional story concocted by the media in order drum up support for clean air, water, and soil?  No, it’s real.  There is a mile of wall already planted and it works!

Due to the sensitive nature of what is truly at work on the wall we of the politically correct disposition call it a “Hedgerow”.  Some liberal term adopted by the Europeans, but it stuck.  Before that, it turns out, Neolithic People from the country of New Stone (good people) used hedges to protect their fields of cereal grains–I love cereal.

Now, let me tell you why this wall is so ingenious.  The Hedgerow is kind of like putting your name on what’s MINE and, let’s say: what’s not.  For instance, I have this great orchard–beautiful orchard–full of trees, and then there’s this barn stacked with dead grass–they call it hay–and there’s this ugly pile of horse droppings.  It’s ugly, nobody wants to look at it.  This wall of plants hides what I don’t want to see.  I like that.

Plus, you can sell it.  “Build it and they will come,” that’s what I say.  All my Hedgerows are at capacity: No Vacancy.  What’s best is they’re full of respectable characters who work for me and I don’t even have to pay them–even better.

Take the mason bee and honeybee, some of the best creatures, tirelessly pollinating the apples, pears, nut trees, and all my other stuff.  When they aren’t working for me, I keep them busy in the Hedgerow pollinating other pretty flowers like Red-Osier Dogwood, Oregon-grape, Black Twinberry, Crabapple–you get it.  Couldn’t do it without them.

Then there’s the birds.  Sparrows, jays, finches, juncos, chickadees, siskin, towhee, hawks, owls, and an occasional Pheasant–you can hunt those, great game bird.  They use this Hedgerow too, call it Habitat.  I’m ok with that.  It’s like the same thing.

We do, however, have some intruders taking advantage of the system.  The meadow vole, rabbits, beaver, and deer abuse the Hedgerow and they’re not paying for it.  What’s worse, they steal from the orchard, commit vandalism, and even murder.  This isn’t my fault, but some policy I inherited from the former farmer.   No need to worry.  We’re working on it.  Some the brightest high school students are implementing ways of making these transients feel unwelcome.

You want to talk about invasive species?  I know, there’s the Himalayan Blackberry, nasty weed with a tasty berry.  These thorny devils infest all my borders.  We implemented a no-fly order and farm shutdown to keep the birds from spreading the seeds–it didn’t work; they wouldn’t listen.  Seems they needed to keep flying in order to do their job.  Well, just another example of the problems that were dropped on this farmer’s lap.

Lastly, I want to say, despite the hiccups that were incorporated into my wall, which were not my fault, it’s a huge success.  Hedgerows are a boon to the plants and animals, organization, beauty, and health of the farm economy.  They are so awesome they even support the global economy.  By building this wall, the rest of the world can feel safer with cleaner water, air, soil, and biodiversity.

Now, if any other property owners wish to take my lead and build themselves a Hedgerow, please visit the sites below and visit your local conservation district, department of natural resources, soil conservation service, or whatever government/non-government agency nearby that is full of really smart, helpful, good people.